We often think there are only two ways to handle a partner who can’t love us well:
- Understand their trauma and accept less than we deserve.
- Blame them and wish they’d just get help or change.
At one extreme, we put up with too little because we can clearly see their struggles.
We excuse the impact on us because we know why they’re this way.
At the other, we pin all the dysfunction on them – laying it squarely at their feet – often when it’s already too late.
Both ends of that spectrum are a disservice to us.
They keep us from seeing things clearly or cause us to consign our own neglect.
And, often, they help us avoid our own shame about how long we’ve stayed in something that’s been harming us.
The healthy middle?
It usually means more tears, but less drama.
Better regulation.
And the ability to hold compassion for both ourselves and our partner at the same time.
It sounds like:
> “I love myself and am committed to finding something worthy of me.”
“I can see they’re struggling and unable to meet me, and it’s okay to be sad about that.”
Your ability to sit in that truth – to feel the grief without losing yourself – comes from being able to feel your feelings and feel safe doing it.
My Emotional Regulation Mini Course will help you do exactly that.
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