I used to think consistency was a delusion. Now I know it’s what secure love actually feels like.
Hyper-independence and anxious attachment both come from the same place – learning to survive by reading the room. Your nervous system scans for cues, because your safety depends on how others are showing up. That tracking becomes second nature. You live outside yourself.
For most of my life, I was hyper-vigilant. I could spin my own plates and keep everyone else’s spinning too. Chaos-fighting wizard. Referee of life. There was no space for rest, joy, or even asking – do I like this person? What do I need?
That energy attracts a certain type of partner – someone who needs to disappear from time to time. After all, you’ve got this, right? You’re the capable one.
But secure love feels different. In secure connection, challenges don’t signal disconnection. They become moments to team up; what do we both need here? What’s going on for each of us?
When I experienced this for the first time, what I really saw was this; I had become secure in myself. That security created the conditions for secure connection to arrive. And the people who couldn’t meet me there? They naturally stepped back. Not always by leaving, but by giving space. Others stepped up, in their own way, to maintain connection.
The wildest part? I was okay either way. Yes, I grieved some losses. But I didn’t spiral. I wasn’t stuck in self-blame or shame. I understood it as incompatibility – and that clarity felt calm. Way calmer than overthinking, analysing, or trying to fix everything.
How would your life change if someone else’s avoidant behavior didn’t hijack your sense of safety? What if your security wasn’t up for negotiation anymore?