I had left the narcissist. I had boundaries. I could recite my “I’m not settling for that again” speech in my sleep.
And still – I was dating ghosts.
She was the first “safe” person I chose. No yelling. No gaslighting. Kind, respectful. But something was off. We’d have an incredible couple of weeks where I’d think, This might be it.
Then – silence. Emotional disappearance. It was like those good weeks had never happened.
Friends would ask: Is she unkind? Controlling?
No. She wasn’t doing anything wrong. She just… wasn’t there.
Even when we were physically together, I couldn’t reach her. Then she’d reappear, and everything would feel good again. But the more this happened, the more anxious I became. I’d ask, “What’s going on? Where are you?” and get no real answer. That silence, that inconsistency, started to feel like the past again.
Nights spent crying on the sofa because I didn’t know what I’d done – or what was happening.
Eventually, the emotional swinging became too much. Years later, I understood: she was avoidantly attached. When she felt unsafe, she disappeared. And that disappearance activated my own anxious attachment – If you’re not fully here with me, I can’t feel safe.
It was frustrating to realize that all my good intentions – choosing “safe” – weren’t enough. I was heartbroken. And ashamed. Maybe if I’d needed less, reached out less, tried harder to be okay with the distance… But I knew that wasn’t sustainable.
That wasn’t love.
Trauma education got me out of the fire.
But it didn’t teach me how to build a home – within myself, or with someone else.
That’s when I had to get honest: about my own avoidant wiring, and my attraction to familiar emotional unavailability – especially when it came in a gentle, quiet package.
Once you left the chaos, did you find yourself in a new cycle with avoidants? Is this cycle still affecting you now? How?